How To Manage A Narcissist At Work
Why?
If you are confused by the seemingly erratic and/or underhanded behaviour of your line manager, a peer, a subordinate or a key stakeholder in another team or department then it's entirely possible it’s a wall of narcissism you are facing, and it needs to be resolved one way or another. Do not underestimate the damage someone that scores high in narcissistic traits can do to a team, department or organisation. They will actively pursue project failure, misuse people, time and money, even put an entire organisation in genuine financial peril if it satisfies their underlying narcissistic need.
What?
To better understand why such destructive behaviour can manifest we will cover how to manage a narcissist in a professional context, i.e. How to get inside their head to understand what triggers their behaviour in a particular instance, why their behaviour can escalate significantly over time, and how to access the rules to their game in order to influence and lead them back down to earth. By the end you will be in no doubt which courses of action are available to you when in search of a resolution.
How?
We will deconstruct a real-world scenario from one of my projects in the form of a narcissistic senior leader in a large enterprise that had the influence, as a key stakeholder, to determine whether or not a peer and their team succeeded or failed. This senior leader’s team could not deliver their objectives without this stakeholders input or sign-off. As part of our analysis we will answer these 3 questions:
What does a narcissistic strategy look like? Revealing how to breakdown a narcissists thinking and behaviour.
What was the trigger that set their strategy in motion? Revealing the temperamental contrast between our two stakeholders.
What can you do to influence and lead a narcissist or is it a lost cause? Revealing your options when seeking resolution.
You can enjoy the rest of this case study in two ways:
Watch Video: Jump to timestamp 01:48 to skip the introduction.
Read Transcript: Jump to chapter on Narcissistic Strategy.
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00:00 Why: should I watch this?
00:36 What: wideo covers?
01:03 How: we approach topic?
01:48 Narcissistic Strategy
01:50 Strategy vs Human Fallout
02:35 Strategy vs Behaviours
04:11 Narcissistic Trigger
04:13 Team's role
04:42 Narcissism presents
05:02 My role
05:33 Narcissist discovered
06:07 Narcissist & greatness
06:29 Narcissism deconstructed
07:27 Narcissists kryptonite
08:05 Trigger identified
08:25 Zooming out
09:22 Leader vs Narcissist
09:53 Influence & Lead
09:55 Navy SEALs Leadership
10:19 Archetypes
10:56 Managing narcissism
11:22 Battles vs War
11:34 Daily tactics
12:40 Key points
13:55 Testing tactics
13:52 Conclusion
13:54 So What: Learned?
13:56 Narcissistic self-interest
14:17 Key Trigger
14:40 Motivating a narcissist
15:04 Now What: Implications?
15:06 Options
15:24 Do whats always done
16:10 Leverage narcissist
16:53 Resign
17:19 What Next: Actions?
17:35 Know someone like this?
17:48 Skills development needed?
18:02 Which option best for you?
18:52 Case Study Review
Narcissistic Strategy
I created this model based on the work of Tim Knoster, Dr of Education and Professor of Exceptionality Programs at Bloomsberg University of Pennsylvania. His research in developmental learning unveiled the correlation between the components of strategy and human fallout, which ultimately determines the level of success or failure in any endeavour. My version is an adaptation of the original for use in a business context by any individual, team or organisation in pursuit of a specific outcome. This can be anything from delivering a career defining presentation to leading an organisational transformation in a large enterprise. In the context of this case study we will use it to deconstruct our narcissist.
As you can see each level of strategy directly correlates with a specific intellectual, emotional or behavioural response when an element is missing or populated incorrectly. If we combine this matrix with what we learned in a previous case study, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopath; What’s the Difference?, about narcissistic temperament and how it correlates with low self-esteem, then input their actual behaviour we can speculatively, with a high degree of accuracy, reverse engineer their objectives, self perception and incentives in any given moment, which increases the likelihood of being able influence them in a meaningful way. So let’s do that now with a real-world example from one of my previous projects.
Narcissistic Trigger
I had the opportunity to work with a small senior exec team within a large global enterprise. This team are responsible for temperature checking their industry coal-face and using the information gathered to inform everything from product R&D to Sales & Marketing, yet they have no direct authority over any other professional group within the organisation. This means everything they set out to achieve relies solely on identifying and influencing internal stakeholders.
My role within this newly formed team was to facilitate them to build their strategy, identify their key stakeholder population and create an action plan to influence them. In practice it meant extracting and deconstructing everything they thought about themselves, the company, their purpose, their objectives, ways of working and provide a concisely populated actionable framework they could take to the wider organisation to demonstrate: This is who we are and this is how we can support you. During this process we identified an key stakeholder to be a text book narcissist, almost always at odds with everything they tried to do.
While in meetings with key stakeholders, that included our narcissist, our senior leader would work through the meeting agenda, part of which involved reviewing previously agreed next steps with everyone to find out what's working, what isn't, who's doing ok and who needs additional support to collaboratively keep everything moving forward.
In almost every instance our narcissistic stakeholder was the only one repeatedly failing to complete their assigned actions, to which our senior leader would respond with questions in an attempt to better understand what support they would benefit from to overcome their challenges. Our narcissistic stakeholder only ever responded aggressively with fact-free belief statements and accusations to evade accountability. It's worth pointing out this stakeholder repeatedly overtly stated their team was the best at what they do, yet they were measurably the poorest performing team involved in the activities associated with this particular company project. They rarely, if ever, produced any output or outcomes as collectively agreed in these meetings. So what was going on under the surface?
If we populate our previous model with what we've learned so far we can see our senior leader is well intentioned, making their assessment at the levels of Capabilities & Skills, Behaviours and Environment, e.g. Based on the evidence of unexecuted Actions, what Knowledge and Resources are required to address. A text book demonstration of good leadership and ways of working for a high performing team.
However, from a narcissistic perspective this is clearly considered a personal and public attack at the levels of Mission, Identity and Beliefs, triggering the behaviours associated with Confusion, Sabotage and Resistance. As this interaction was a regular occurrence, our narcissistic stakeholder was regularly challenged on everything from the aforementioned next steps to taking credit for other peoples ideas and work, responding with a campaign of escalating hostility, overt defamation and deliberate project disruption.
As mentioned in a previous case study: Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopath; What's the Difference?, a narcissists Kryptonite is shame. While most of us in this situation would attempt to access the support offered to solve the problem, perhaps with some inconsequential embarrassment, a narcissist can experience an overwhelming sense of public humiliation. The Kryptonite in this case was our senior leader presenting our stakeholder with irrefutable evidence completely at odds with not only their own self-perception of greatness, but also how they want others to perceive their greatness. In this moment the façade their ego had crafted over many years to compensate for deeply rooted self-contempt and feelings of worthlessness was exposed by having them stare in the mirror. Therefore, we can reasonably assume our senior leaders supportive route of enquiry was considered adversarial, hence direct hostile action.
Lets zoom out for a moment and consider this behaviour in terms of Stakeholder Management 101. When attempting to influence any individual or team we know it’s essential to align our objectives with our stakeholders objectives to ensure all collaborative effort is geared towards mutually beneficial outcomes. In most cases when something is misaligned most will just say no thanks, that's not going to work for me and move on OR work together to figure out how to better access the value presented in the opportunity, if the value to be gained is perceived to be worth the effort. Someone that scores high in narcissistic traits can have a very different reaction when told that something isn’t going to work out in their favour or won’t get what they want. This can range from an inconsequential accusation riddled tantrum to covertly campaigning to have you fired or wear you down to resign, all of which I have witnessed on numerous occasions.
Ok, back to our example.
While our two stakeholders initially appeared to have the same end in mind, the aspiration of success, we can see the definitions and activities behind these aspirations are very different, in fact it becomes abundantly clear our two inter-dependant stakeholders are acting out strategies in direct conflict. As this occurred at a very senior level the fallout negatively impacted many people across the organisation, clocking up lost salary time and revenue. However, now that we understand how the game is played, what can we do about it?
Lead & Influence
The model below is based on a decision matrix the US Navy SEALs use for leadership selection, which focuses on the relationship between Performance, defined as: A demonstration of technical skills, and Trust, defined as: A demonstration of values and principles. I have updated this model by adding 4 archetypes to offer a sense of who might manifest in each area:
These four archetypes correlate with specific behaviours that can be measured in any individual, team or organisation.
Bully: Results orientated, easily throws others under the bus in order to achieve their end in mind.
Micromanager: Slows everyone down through relentless interference in everything everyone does.
Puppet: Yes person, avoids challenge, making decisions and struggles to get anything meaningful done.
Liberator: Creates aspiration, defines end in mind, encourages autonomy, resolves conflict, takes hits for the team.
In the context of our example the challenge for the leader of this particular team was to ensure they stayed in the top right quadrant as often as possible when managing their narcissistic stakeholder, which is now far easier as we understand the rules a narcissist plays by.
The challenge I put to the team was: Do they want to win every battle or do they want to win the war? The first serves their own ego’s, the second serves the greater good. They opted for winning the war and serving the greater good. Be aware opting for this will have bitter pills to swallow in the short term, which is the price you will pay for choosing the greater good and success in the long term.
Based on what we’ve learned so far about a narcissistic strategy the tactics were simple, which is essentially textbook stakeholder management, but high consequence if you get it wrong:
When embarking on any new project ask the narcissistic stakeholder what they personally want to gain from participating. Then demonstrate at each stakeholder meeting how their need is on track to be met, and if not ask for their input to get it back on track as you are keen to ensure you fulfil your agreement with them.
When your narcissistic stakeholder makes a suggestion or presents an idea, no matter how good or bad, tell them it’s a great idea and ask if you can spend some time with them to help them flesh it out to understand how, if possible, it might work. If it’s not going to work they will figure it out themselves, and if they make the decision there will be no fallout.
If they suggest an idea that demonstrably belongs to someone else, as with the previous point, tell them it’s a great idea and ask if you can spend some time with them to help them flesh it out to understand, if possible, how it might work, etc.
These 3 key points repeatedly tick the boxes for maintaining a narcissists Mission, Identity and Belief system, i.e. they want to demonstrate their greatness and be perceived by others as great. To keep them on-side you will always have to give them more credit than they are due, even when they are wholly incompetent. You will also have to potentially accept unjust outcomes along the way, such as letting them claim others ideas, work and decisions as their own, hence the significance of focusing on the long game and greater good, balancing the end with justifying the means.
Interestingly, we had the opportunity to put these tactics to the test on the day this was taught. The impact was immediate and significant with a fully engaged narcissistic stakeholder keen to sit down and map out the way forward before the close of business.
A point worthy of note: The narcissist in this case study was asked to resign from the company a few months later due to 3 key factors; Showing their true colours as behaviour escalated, HR doing a thorough investigation and our Senior Leader and their team being better equipped to manage things tactically day to day.
Conclusion
So what?
Someone that scores high in narcissistic traits operates strategies biased towards individualism, with only concern for self, how others perceive them and what they personally stand to gain in any given endeavour, though they can appear selfless when actively supporting someone else's endeavour, but only because they will acquire something of value to themselves.
A key trigger to set in motion a narcissistic campaign is the presence of shame, a painful feeling of humiliation caused by the consciousness of incompetence and/or foolish behaviour. In the context of our example the trigger for shame was repeatedly drawing attention to their professional failings in public, which undermined their personal sense of greatness.
The only way to win over and keep someone with high scoring narcissistic tendencies on side is to continually re-affirm their self-perception, no matter how poorly they perform or who's ideas or work they claim as their own. Otherwise, you will potentially be on the receiving end of a relentless and remorseless campaign to undermine you, the severity of which will correlate with the severity of their narcissistic traits.
Now what?
Given a narcissists overriding objective is, literally, to preserve self and public perception at the expense of everything else at all times. This leaves you with 3 options depending on whether you want to attempt to win every battle, win the war or lay your King on it’s side:
Option 1: Change nothing and do what you have always done until one of you concedes, though do keep in mind it’s likely to be you as your narcissistic stakeholder has lifelong experience at executing such campaigns to defeat their opponent, and are therefore far more practiced than you. It’s also likely this will end in a legal dispute of some kind, which will be won by the party with the most credible evidence to demonstrate their case. Keep in mind the role of HR is to police the line between employer duty of care and employee personal responsibility in favour of the business. Therefore, do not assume they will fight for your corner. They will gather evidence and do what is best for the company, which may or may not be to your advantage.
Option 2: Learn how to affirm your narcissistic stakeholders self-perception and leverage it to serve the greater good with mutually beneficial outcomes, though this will initially take a toll as you will be learning to develop and refine a new skill in real-time without a sandbox to practice, all while going head to head with someone highly skilled in their subversive methodology. This is the way to win the war if you think you are up to the task.
Option 3: Resign. Depending on your temperament it’s entirely possible you may not be psychologically robust enough to survive options 1 or 2. In fact, if you are already battle weary and your mental health is affected to the degree it’s keeping your mind busy around 03:00, then your brain is already swimming in Cortisol. It’s entirely possible the best option is to leave and find somewhere else keen to leverage your skillset.
What next?
Now that you have a better understanding of how someone with high scoring narcissism perceives themselves, what can trigger a narcissistic campaign and how to influence them, lets consider how you might use what you have learned:
Do you contend with someone on a professional basis that is similar to the person in this scenario? If so, what will you do differently from now on in terms of managing day to day interactions?
Given your narcissist is highly skilled in their game of manipulation and coercion; has this case study highlighted a skills deficit on your part in terms of influencing others? If so, what specific skills do you need to upgrade?
When combining your temperament with the options available to you in terms of courses of action, which option will most likely benefit you in the long term?
Take your learning one step further and complete my Case Study Review. Capture your learning from this case study and commit to changes you deem relevant for your situation. A copy of your completed review will be emailed to you instantly.
For more insight on how Narcissism develops as well as how to recognise other personality types with narcissistic tendencies then please do read: Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopath; What's the Difference?
If you are in the process of dealing with a personality similar to the one in this case study, then do consider working with me to either assess your Individual Readiness to manage this type of personality or address issues that have come to your attention as result of this case study.
